Six Suggestions to Survive a Slasher film.

Instead of actually attempting to accomplish something productive this evening, it was spent curled up in a blanked watching the 1984 version of Nightmare on Elm Street. As I witnessed Johnny Depp’s limbs contorting in mid air by hand of the demonic Freddy Krueger, I came to this realization: it is near impossible to survive a slasher film. I take it upon myself to equip you with my personal knowledge I have derived thus far…

Rule Number 1: (this is the most important) Never, and I mean never, be a slut. Don’t ever even think about skipping out on anything moral to have mind-blowing sex with anyone, even if he looks like Channing Tatum. Ladies, I know, this hurts, but this is a matter of life and death we are talking about here. You’ll have plenty of time to fornicate with your husband (another key word there ladies, may I remind you may never have sex before you are married to ensure survival) when you are older and no longer the quarry of horror films, but the parents of the children that are being babysat by the victim. 

Rule Number 2: This one is also absolutely crucial for survival; know where all the exits are in the house/apartment/dorm room in which you reside. Don’t assume simply because you live there, you comprehend the location of all the exits. I have witnessed this tragedy time and time again where the victim is stumbling up the stairs instead of sprinting out the front door. Come on people, let’s use our heads here, it is always safer to evacuate the residency where the killer is attempting to butcher you, than peruse a thrilling game of cat and mouse. 

Rule Number 3: Referring to the previous number, I don’t care how thrill seeking you are, if you know there is a murderer on the loose do not attempt to search the house in pitch black. You. will. get. annihilated. This is particularly vital if one of your comrades has already been extirpated. Please for the sake of your own survival, in every room that you enter flick on the light switch. Oh, and if for some reason you find yourself breathing heavily and becoming slightly frightened, the lights will turn off and the cliché “door slam” will echo throughout the room; do not under any circumstances become hysterical. You still have about a 30% chance of getting out of the room alive, count your blessings. 

Rule Number 4: The person that suggests the infamous “let’s split up” is simply attempting to kill you off. In all of my years of gory movie patronage I have yet to observe a group of teenagers butchered in cold blood. It’s always when everyone splits up in the spooky house and wanders aimlessly through out its corridors without turning the lights on, (See rule 3) that someone get’s a knife to the sternum. My personal advice is acquire a buddy who is neither attempting to kill you off, nor a slut, (See rule 1) and never leave their side the entire encounter. If you are a slut/skank/whore/tool/douche bag to being with…hate to break it to you…but like I said you are doomed from the start.

Rule Number 5: (ladies this one is for you) If you have bleached blonde hair, a cup size in the ballpark of a DD, are impeccably stupid, or a combination of any of the above this is the kiss of death. I suggest that you immediately tone down the hue of your peroxide stripped hair, and make an effort towards covering up any evidence that allude to your possession of gigantic tits. Modest is hottest. As for your complete and utter lack of intelligence I suggest that you attempt to further your education. If this is not your cup of tea, when the killer bangs down the door pick up a book and make an effort to comprehend the words on the page. I have yet to see a pretty woman that is reading a book have her throat slit.

Rule Number 6: My final lesson to you is to listen to the screeching violins, or dramatic alterations in the pitches of the soundtrack; this usually is an indicator of the fact that your death is near. If you see anyone covering their own eyes in the audience, know that it is a matter of minutes before you are brutally reduced to nothing more than a blood and guts. I promise you this, most everyone in the audience possesses something called “common sense”, trust me on this, follow their cues, and you might get out of this one alive. 

Finally, if by some extreme misfortune you happen to get killed, make sure that you are the murderer yourself so you can come back in the sequel and wreak havoc, no explanation required.